Flirting With Hypothermia, Part 4 - Healing Through Winter Swimming

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This is my second season of winter swimming.

I’m much tougher than I was last year 2020/2021. I’m able to stay in the cold far longer.

But that’s not even the least of it.

2021 was a motherfucker of a year.

Abandonment, betrayal, heartbreak, and even one death for good measure, 2021 was a year of grief. I lost my core people, my first tier relationships - my former roommate, my late brother’s best friend, a lover, and one of my favorite people.

It doesn’t matter that I made my choice to let go. All of it sucked.

We sure do live in interesting times. I’m hardly alone in this.

I find comfort that most people I know have also left behind close people. Because everybody is doing the friendship shuffle, it’s been fairly easy to restructure my community. Yet every relationship and friendship is unique in and of itself, and those connections can never be replaced. Loss still brings pain.

But through it all, the river is always there. Nothing forces me into the present moment with the immediacy of cold water immersion.

That got me through some of my worst moments of last year.

At the end of September, I found out that a friend who had always inspired deep respect, died suddenly from blood clots in her lungs.

The next day, I went to the river.

The water was not in the winter temps yet, but dropping fast. The cold was just enough to wear down the numbness of shock, leaving my heart free to ache. It hardly felt like relief, but it was necessary.

A couple of days after that, I cut ties with somebody I once considered my closest friend, somebody I had loved as if she had been my family. Our friendship had eroded slowly. Our connection didn’t survive the chaos of shifting values due to the pandemic, or the insidious influence of a needy relationship.

I believe friend breakups need more time to heal. Personally, I never thought this would happen with this friend, and there’s no one swim that will make that kind of heartbreak go away, no matter how excruciating the water is.

But each swim renews me a little more, as the cold river cleanses.

A few months after an acrimonious parting of the ways, I found out that my swim buddy and lover from my first season pretty much left me for somebody else. At the time of the split, she had made me out as the villain, because she hadn’t the backbone or courage to be honest. I couldn’t sleep at all that night after seeing pictures of her with the new girlfriend for whom she had declared her love a month after we had broken up.

The next day, I went to the river.

The season was late November. The water was in the upper 40’s, the temperature when the river really starts to hurt.

It would have been so easy to make excuses, to fall into apathy, depression, with hints of anguish and despair. It didn’t help that the river was a reminder of my ex-lover.

I had to force myself to go in.

As usual, I grimaced and groaned when I walked in to my waist. When I stuck my hands in, I probably cussed somewhere between a little and a lot.

I questioned my sanity when I finally dove under water to get fully submerged from head to toe. Then I gasped in desperation while trading off between breast stroke and side stroke, dunking my head under from time to time until I grew accustomed to the brain freeze.

As always, I thought the frantic panic would last forever. But it was only a few minutes before the torture was over, and I was in the here and now of that sliver of time.

On that late November evening, the sky had been overcast, and I had gone to the river around sundown. The sky was dark, but not yet black. I remember the planes flying low overhead right after take off from the nearby airport.

I remember thinking: I feel fucking amazing. I can do this, and she can’t. (My former swim buddy had been a weak swimmer.) This is MINE.

That shift to acclimation has always been a miracle. The instant the bitter cold of the water transformed into vicious pleasure, I was staggered yet again that I had been able to cross the threshold from agony to ecstasy.

That moment was pure grace.

There’s exquisite freedom to that. Freedom of choice. Knowing that I can bring myself to euphoria whenever I want - even after my heart takes a hard knock.

I can’t even go there about my late brother’s best friend. Suffice to say, it will be a long time before I can get past my enmity of him.

But I have the river. I will always have the river.

Wim Hof is right.

The cold is our friend. Relief for just about any pain can be found there.

Every time I bury myself in the freezing temperatures of a river that could kill me, I come out a little different.

After a betrayal, a death, a shock to my system, a break in my heart, I go swimming in the cold and the world disappears. I am reborn. Even if this release lasts only for those few moments, that counts. Those moments add up.

Today I am grateful.

I am grateful that 2021 is behind me. Really, who isn’t?

I am grateful for the cold water.

I’m sure as hell grateful that I kept swimming.

As I write this, it’s the 1st day of 2022. The water is about 38.75 degrees. It’s not as cold as the coldest day I shared with my ex-lover, but the season’s not over. We might get there yet.

But it’s the coldest water of this season thus far, and it’s definitely cold enough for the baptism of rebirth.

I’m meeting one of my favorite swim buddies for this, a new friendship that is very satisfying.

We crossed paths two weeks after I cut ties with my former roommate.

The season was mid-October. The Columbia had dropped below 60 degrees, and I had just finished a 40+ minute swim in 58 degree water. My body numb and my brain frozen, I had rushed to the truck to get changed as fast as I could.

A blonde woman had just gotten out of her car with her nephew.

“How’s the water?” she asked. “Gorgeous evening for a swim. I’m about to get in.”

I was so out of it, I could barely talk. I remember slurring my words as I answered – as one often does at the edge of hypothermia. The bliss of popping endorphins made me cheery, even though I only had a grace period of 5-10 minutes to get dressed.

The conversation was brief and the exchange of phone numbers immediate. She knew I didn’t have the bandwidth for conversation. She had been winter swimming for 5 years, and had a lot more experience at this than I did.

The old saying: “When one door closes, another opens” has never been more true for me than it had been in 2021. As I let go of old friends, I made new friends very easily.

True blessings I don’t take lightly.

I met a lot of nice folks last autumn while the water temps started their seasonal drop.

I also made new friends through other avenues, I’ve deepened my connections with friends I didn’t have enough of the time and energy needed to get closer. These friends are MUCH HEALTHIER in mind and body and heart, and thus, are far less problematic than the ones I had to leave behind.

This season is a different pleasure than the season last year. There is a lot less drama. Or no drama. The vibe is more relaxed, and these new connections have potential to sink deeper roots, and perhaps last over time.

Yet through all these changes, the river has been there. The water is always ready to cleanse me, freeze off the old skin of who I had been, so I can grow into who I will be. Who I want to be.

The first thought I awaken to on this first morning of 2022 is the awareness that I am a much stronger woman than I was on the first day of 2021.

That’s something to feel good about.

I’m ready to conquer that cold.

I’m ready to conquer myself.

If anybody would like to read Flirting With Hypothermia, Part 3, please click HERE.